


Like a Tree in a Hurricane

by Wowieimabird



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/F, F/M, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Character Undeath, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 04:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14370636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wowieimabird/pseuds/Wowieimabird
Summary: Here was the issue: Connor was supposed to be dead. No, he was dead. Evan saw him die, right in front of his own eyes. Connor was not supposed to be leaning against Evan's locker on a supposedly regular Monday morning with his ear buds in, not a scratch on his face. And most importantly, Connor was not supposed to be staring directly at Evan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Major character death & injury, references to depression, references to anxiety, bullying, and cussing. 
> 
> Idk it's kinda beta'd but like........ 
> 
> Whatevs. 
> 
> This is a sad first chapter BTW.

Jared kicked his legs up on the table, nearly knocking over Evan's physics book. Evan let out a sigh of discontent, but never looked up from his laptop. 

"Listen Evan, you just gotta come over to the orchard tonight. I already told everybody you'd be there," Jared said. 

"Why would you do that when you didn't even ask me if I was free after-school today," Evan said, breaking his silent treatment after Jared first said he needed to come over on behalf of a dare. 

"Evan, you're always free after-school." Jared took Evan's pencil and twisted it between his fingers. Evan's face screwed up, stuck between a glare and disbelief. 

"I'm not always, there are some times. Where I, y'know, have stuff going on. After-school. That's important."

"C'mon man. There's not going to be a lot of people and you don't need to talk to them. It's just part of the dare. I already paid-"

"You had to pay? To be apart of this dare? Jared, I don't even know what this dare you keep mentioning is!" Evan hissed, his voice gradually growing louder. 

"You're such a worry-wart. Fine, the dare is that we're all going to the Orchard and climbing the tallest tree and- yeah. See who gets to the top first." Jared planted his feet back on the ground while also shielding his face, which so easily conveyed when he was lying. Evan didn't notice. 

"Who's going to be there?"

"Just like, Brent, Cassy, Ella, Alana, y'know. The people that are like, kinda popular but just not quite because they think they're cool when they're really not." Jared grinned. 

"How late would it go to?" Evan pressed. 

"Uh, 9? 10?"

"Fine. I'll go." Evan caved, slamming his laptop shut as the bell rang. "Just, you're driving me home. Before 10, because that's when my mom gets out of work. And if she finds out I was at the orchard so late she'll start assuming that I may be doing drugs or driving or-" Scan rambled on, in which Jared cut him off by sighing. 

"Evan, just go to class," he groaned before walking off, taking Evan's last pencil with him. 

Evan's nerves didn't let up all day, his entire body buzzing with the mantra 'somethingbadisgonnahappensomethingbadisgonnahappensomethingbadisgonnahappen-'

And before he knew it, Evan was in Jared's car, driving down the rocky path that led to the back of the orchard. In the distance, there were already three cars parked on one end of the lot and lone car on the other.

"Jared I don't want to do this," Evan finally spat out after biting his cheek for the entire ride, tasting the metallic tang of blood. 

"Well buddy, I'm not driving you back so soon. You'd have to walk." He swerved into a parking spot next to the other three cars. Evan could make out the figures of eight other kids by the treeline. Jared hopped out, and Evan reluctantly followed. 

Evan saw the tall silhouette before Jared did, and his breath hitched. Connor Murphy, the guy who threw a printer at a teacher in second grade, and Evan, sitting right next to the teacher, had been terrified since. Especially when Connor started getting bad around 5th grade. 

If Jared ever did see Connor as he walked up to the group, he never seemed to even acknowledge the elephant that was Connor Murphy standing right next to him. The kid Jared had ruthlessly made fun of last year. Jared just went on to babble to all the rest of the students idly standing. 

But when Evan's initial shock wore off, he could see that Connor was as nervous as he was. Evan tuned back into the conversation just in time, because Brent had just said to follow him. 

They dove between the trees, and from the back of the group, Evan could watch everybody. It was easy to see who was crushing on who, the sky peeking from the corner of their eyes, hands brushing. Even Connor surprisingly seemed to be staring at the back of Cassy's head, watching her curls bounce as she walked. It was almost peaceful, standing on the outside of groups like Evan normally was. 

The apple trees changed to pine and soon the gaggle of students stood before a grand Oak. 

Everyone began climbing with it instruction, and as if on autopilot, Evan climbed as well, taking residence on the lowest branch of the group, staring up at everyone else. Jared was sat at the second branch from the top. 

Evan found himself tuning out from whatever everyone else was chatting about, and instead leaned his head against the large oak and stared out over the orchard. They were so high up, and the road was so far away, just separated by a field of yellow that danced in the wind and glowed in the moonlight. Evan stayed like that for a few minutes, ignoring the conversation happening above him. But then;

"-like to congratulate on Connor finally admitting his suicidal tendencies," Brent sneered. There was sniggering. 

"How the fuck did you find out about that?" Connor snapped. He was right below Cassy and Brent. Evan's stomach twisted. 

Connor has maneuvered his way onto his feet, and shakily grabbed onto the branch for balance. He still swayed, like a tree caught in a hurricane. 

"Things get said, Connor. So tell us, tell all of us, how many times were you committed to a mental hospital? Slit your wrists?" Evan didn't know who said that, but Connor lashed out at Brent. A punch, or a push, it was hard to tell. Brent held on to the branch while Cassy swung her foot out and nailed Connor in his shoulder. 

Connor  
fell  
like  
a  
leaf  
in  
the  
fall.

He hit the ground.

The world went quiet. Everyone was breathing heavily, horrified. And the students waited, to see Connor moving. Breathing. But there was no rise and fall of his chest, and Evan was sure there was blood. A thick liquid spilling from his head.

"I killed Connor Murphy," Cassy breathed. "Oh my god, I'm.. I'm going to die." Cassy regretted those words just as they escaped from her mouth. A poor choice in this situation. Because while Connor was far away from them, injuries hidden by the night, they all knew he wasn't breathing. 

Evan made the first move, slowly moving from his branch and to the next one, but before he could fully settle his weight, somebody jumped onto the branch he was just on. His hand slipped. 

Evan fell slower than Connor. At least, it felt like it. The wind whistled past his ears, he could hear screaming. Was it Jared? 

Evan's body hurt. His arm went numb. He was several feet away from where Connor had fallen, but he could smell the blood. Evan cried out, breath rapid, face contorted in pain. His chest had seized up, he couldn't breath, there was yelling, but Evan found it hard to care. 

Everything felt underwater, nerves all lit aflame. Evan snapped his eyes open. 

Connor 's lifeless eyes stared right back into Evan's.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is an underdeveloped character in fics and that needs to change because he's amazing! #JaredCharacterDevelopment2k18!
> 
> Also I suck at dialogue

Evan didn't tell Heidi much of anything after he came back from the hospital, his arm in a plaster cast. After Jared dropped him back at home around 3am, Evan found his mom sitting on the porch, waiting for him. 

She pulled Evan into one of those hugs that only a mom could give. Warm and safe, completely enveloping Evan and making him feel so small, just like when he was a kid. 

But when they pulled apart Evan was met with nothing but abrasive fear. 

"Honey, what happened? Jared didn't tell me much on the phone, just said you fell and needed to get a cast. Why were you out so late? You never stay out late. Oh, Ev." Heidi opened the door and let them inside. 

"I uhum, just- we were climbing a tree and I fell. It wasn't very high up or anything. I wasn't doing anything bad with Jared either, we just felt like going to the orchard and climbing a tree, but like that sounds like a lie and-" Evan paused and sucked in a rattling breath. 

And cried. 

Heidi took time off for the weekend, instead choosing to sit with Evan on the couch and watch TV, dozens of blankets suffocating the both of them. 

But it was soon Monday, and while Heidi insisted that Evan at least take one more day off, since Evan's follow-up visit tomorrow afternoon, he waved off her wishes and asked Jared for a carpool. 

"Sup," Jared greeted as Evan slid into the passenger seat. "How's your arm?"

"Uh, broken." Evan looked down at the cast as Jared peeled away from the curb. 

"So, Evan. What happened on Friday, nobody ever speaks about." Jared raked his fingers across the steering wheel. 

"I figured that much."

"The cops are treating it like a suicide. They think Connor drove out by himself and jumped. They don't suspect any of us, and it's going to stay that way. Okay?"

"I told the doctors I fell out of a tree the same night Connor died. Jared what they think it was me? What if the think I pushed him?" Evan felt everything go numb. "Jared, they could easily out two and two together and we'd be found out about the whole Connor and dare and-"

"Listen. If it comes to that, then we'll just come clean." A moment of silence. " 'Cause like, it was Cassy who killed him and she's dumb." It was moments like these that Evan realized that Jared never just considered him a 'family friend.' 

"Okay."

A beat. "You could've died, Evan," Jared said. "You and Connor both could've died."

"I know." Evan picks at his shirt. Better to be nonchalant than hysterical, right? Jared turned into the school parking lot. 

"Evan just- for next time. Talk me out of these situations. Don't let me be roped into these anymore. I- Evan he's just.. Dead." Jared swerved into a parking space. 

"Jared-" Evan turned to see Jared's facade crumbling. 

Evan remembers Alex from sixth grade. He and Jared were inseparable and insufferable when placed in the same room together. The unstoppable duo. 

Then Alex died. Evan remembers the school assembly vividly, only a few weeks before summer vacation. Alex and his father had died in a car crash, and the entire school gathered to pay their respects to Alex and his family. 

Jared became invisible for a while. And then one night, Heidi invited Jared and his mother and Alex's mother over for dinner, seeing that Evan wasn't having much luck finding friends, and Jared and Alex's mother were both going through a rough spot. 

Evan remembers the sour taste of the instant mashed potatoes Heidi had served up. 

In seventh grade old Jared was back, but he didn't try to make friends. In fact, he almost pushed people away. Then his jokes really began, those deep, self-indulgent jokes that never seen to end, never seem to repeat. The ones that fed strokes to his ego.

Everybody had already forgotten Alex by then. But the scar was still there, deep inside of Jared, just covered in yellow smiles and corny jokes. 

"There's- there was really nothing we could've done for Connor. I'm so sorry Jared." Evan placed a hand on Jared's shoulder, unsure of what was acceptable and unacceptable in this situation. 

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, people will probably be singing and dancing in the hallways, right? I mean, he's Connor Murphy. Nobody actually liked him." Jared gave Evan a small, sad smile, before turning his head back down. "I- Evan I just need a minute. Can you leave?"

"Oh- uhum, yeah definitely. I can leave." Evan hurriedly unbuckled and left the car, making a slow jog to the school's main entrance. 

Evan pressed through the main entrance and past the gaggles of students. He swept through the halls and up the staircase towards his locker to exchange books and to scavenge for a pencil. 

What Evan was not expecting to see was Connor Murphy, unscathed, leaning against his locker. Ear buds in, completely casual. 

He was staring right at Evan, as if waiting for him. 

Evan let out an indescribable noise, causing a few people to look his way, before promptly twisting on his heel in an attempt to turn away, Evan instead crashed to the ground. Now people were staring, and Connor was yelling his name, and Evan's face felt like the surface of the sun as he clamored to his feet and took off back towards the entrance. 

Evan found refuge in a janitorial equipment closet, sinking to his knees and letting his temperature drop and breathing regulate. 

The door opened and a light turned on, illuminating the looming figure of Connor Murphy. 

Evan stared back into the same dead eyes that he stared into on Friday after falling from the tree. 

Evan spun around and dry heaved into creating bucket. 

"That's gross," Connor chided, closing the door. "Look at me, Evan." Evan choked back bile, and looked back at Connor. 

"Are you Jewish? Eh, whatever. That doesn't matter. Just think of me as like, a projection or something."

"A- a what?"

"You saw me die."

"I mean-"

"That wasn't a question, that was a fact." Connor kneeled down. "You're going to unkill me."

"Excuse me?"

Connor sighed. "You," he said, pointing at Evan, "go back a month, make me," Connor pointed at himself, "not die."

Evan just stared at Connor, disbelief pooling on his face. 

"Listen. Evan, you're going to go to sleep tonight and wake up on Tuesday the first. May first, an entire month ago. Wow, right? You will have a month, to stop me from dying." Connor waited for Evan's reaction. 

"I'm crazy, oh my god," Evan whispered under his breath. Connor sharply stood up. 

"Y'know I thought I would give you some warning, so you don't just wake up tomorrow and be all like; oh hey, it's a month ago? Wow! Time to run around like a chicken with its head cut off!" Connor sneered. "Enjoy your day, Evan."

Connor left, slamming the door. 

Evan missed first period, stumbling down to the guidance office to lay down on the cot instead. 

The guidance counter, Mrs. Damon, continually asked what had happened. But how were you supposed to say that a dead kid said you were going to save his life?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared like interrupting each other's sentences 
> 
> Also I did maybe steal some lines from the show bUT YOU CANT STOP ME
> 
> TW: Doctors, Panic Attacks

Evan, essentially, stowed away in Jared's car. School had ended, and Evan had to tell Jared everything, because for one, he was the least likely to call Evan crazy, and two, Evan had nobody else to confide in. 

Evan looked up from the car and saw Jared and a few of the classmates from the tree walking towards the car. Evan quickly turned back to the passenger seat, but there was a box in the way of sitting, and it felt too intrusive to just move it out of the way. So he instead clamored into the back seats and sunk to the ground.

A few minutes passed, and Evan's knees began hurting. It was at this point that Evan realized he couldn't move, either. But soon enough, Jared entered the car. The engine roared to life just as Evan opened his mouth to say something, and Jared looked behind him to pull out. He ended up looking Evan straight in the eye. 

"Hey, what the fuck dude?" Jared chuckled, unnerved. Evan stared Jared down. 

"I'm stuck," he whispered. 

Evan stayed stuck for the ride to Jared's house, the most help that Jared was offering was in the form of mockery. Though when they pulled into Jared's driveway, he did end up helping Evan out of his predicament.

"Are your parents home?" Evan asked as they walked inside. 

Jared laughed. "Uh, no, why?"

"Can we go up to your room?" Evan made headway to the staircase, and Jared whistled, following Evan. 

"Oh, are we gonna have some intense make out session?" He said, grinning. Evan turned around and slapped his shoulder. 

Even though they were home alone, Evan waited until the bedroom door was shut before he started talking.

"Okay, so, you're going to think I'm absolutely crazy but you have to hear me out on this. Okay?" Jared nodded. "Okay, so, I saw Connor today and he told me that I was gonna save him from dying and-"

Jared held up his hand. "Evan, do you have a concussion? Like, did they check for that at the hospital? Maybe we should go back and-"

"Jared I told you not to call me crazy-"

"I'm not calling you crazy, I just think you might have a concussion-"

"Oh god, I am crazy-"

"I mean, it could just be from the concussion, Evan-"

"I don't have a concussion!"

"It's just like a side effect, like, hallucination, Evan let's just go to the doctors-"

"The doctors won't fix it, I'd be sent to a mental ward and-"

"Evan, calm down for a second, you're hyperventilating-"

"I'm not hyperventilating!"

"You are, though. Do you need like a paper bag or something-"

"I'mnothyperventilating!" Evan spat, and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Fine," Jared sighed, sitting down of his green checkered bed. He waved his hand around. "Continue, then."

Evan cleared his throat. "Well, Connor said that I was gonna have to like, save him. Save him from dying. And I'd go to sleep tonight and wake up a month ago." 

The room washed over in silence. 

"Unrelated, are you thirsty? Hungry? I just need to let this settle for a minute," Jared said. 

The subject dropped, and instead of Evan going home, the two ended up working on homework together. Around six o'clock, Jared drove Evan home, even though Evan had insisted that he could walk. 

When Evan got home, he ended up wandering around the silent house. Looking at the pictures, trying to see if there was anything new from the past month. He then went on to scroll through WebMD and staring at all the conditions he may have. None of the results suggested a concussion. 

Psychosis? Likely. Evan was a wack-job. Lunatic. A bird that flew over the cuckoo's nest, if that was the saying. Crazy.

Shameful. 

He couldn't be put into a mental ward, Evan refused to leave his mom alone like that, he wasn't going to be like his father. 

And soon enough, Evan was curled up in a ball on his bed, breath hitching as web sobs tore from his mouth from imagining all the horrible situations that could happen if his mom ever found out about his hallucination. 

He was cleaned up minutes before his mom came into his room, which was around 11 o'clock, as he was just beginning to memorize the date on his phone.

June4thJune4thJune4th-

"Jared called me at the hospital, he said you were... Seeing things?" Heidi's voice was dripping with concern. The tears began welling up. 

"I mean-" Evan's throat was constricting. Heidi sat down on the bed next to Evan, rubbing his back. 

"Oh honey, maybe we should pay a visit to the doctor's office. Quick-care? C'mon-" 

"No!" Evan jumped up and away. He'd just yelled at his mom. "No, no I can't. I can't mom, don't make me go."

"It's probably just a concussion, have you been dizzy? Feeling like you could vomit? Confused? Have you lost consciousness at all?" Every symptom Heidi listed, Evan shook his head no to. Heidi pursed her lips. 

"We should still go anyways, it's best to get checked out..." 

Half an hour later, after Heidi had changed from her scrubs and Evan argued the entire time, the two were pulling into the quick-care parking lot and trudging through the doors. Evan pulled his gray sweatshirt over the cast.

Heidi filled out the forms while Evan twiddled his thumbs in the plastic chair that they so nicely provided in the white waiting room. A clock ticked ominously from the corner of the room. 

Evan had gone on autopilot at this point, only responding to questions with a single word, gazing into the nothingness spread before him. When the nurse came to collect them, Heidi had to poke at Evan before he got up. There was a creeping dread filling Evan's stomach. 

They were lead into the room at the end of the hallway, and Evan sat on the crinkly paper on the cot. 

The nurse ran through everything that nurses do. Checking his blood pressure, weight, height, recounting all past and current conditions. 

"So, we're going to have Doctor Mornell come in and check on you, see what we can do to help., and-" the nurse was saying, before Evan interrupted. 

"No, no no no no." He pushed himself off from the bed. "No, I want to go home, I'm fine, everything's fine." Evan tried to go for the door, but Heidi stopped him. Evan could feel everything that was building up inside him break the second she rested her hand on his shoulder. 

He leaned against the cold door and broke down. Tears were streaming down his face and Evan slid into the floor, chest heaving, roaring sobs. 

The nurse rushed over and said something to Heidi, then Evan. He didn't catch any of it. The two gently pulled Evan away from the door so the nurse could move into the hallway to look for assistance.

Evan's eyes found the clock, tick ticking away. 

It was midnight. 

Evan screamed, and shot out of his bed, covered in sweat. He looked around, no longer in the Quick-Care office, but rather back in his bedroom. 

Evan keeled over and vomited.


	4. Headcannons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi I haven't written anything at all so have these headcannons

-connor is a really good artist but never thinks so because Larry would never show connor's drawings a great deal of interest

-jared used to have a friend who ended up getting killed in middle school and now he's too scared to get close to anybody else because he's scared they'll die too

-jared is the biggest 80's geek, he has tons of band posters in his room

-evan named the stars that still stick to his ceiling from when he and heidi out them up when he was younger. 

\- follow up: there are 12 stars left and these are their names (he spend and entire night looking up these latin words and meanings) : teres, purgo, lactuca, edico, adamo, xiphias, rubor, pateo, iuro, humus, diginus, fuga

-jared has aspergers / some other high functioning autism 

-connor has a tumblr and is weirdly popular online- having more than 6.7k followers on the blog

-follow up: on his blog he posts small little rants about his life while somehow not being all edgy emo

-evan keeps his work outfit, which strangely resumes a park ranger outfit, from his summer job at the park, and receives a lot of teasing for it 

-evan loves cacti. he has seven pots and about 19 (separate) plants in them. 

-evan gave jared a cactus once and while jared said he'd throw it out the window it's still on his desk in a hand-painted pot

-connor really likes hot chocolate, and has to have one like, everyday, but everyone thinks it's coffee and he rolls with that

-once evan went to a party and got stuck on the roof while jared (drunk) had to get him down as the police were breaking the party up

-evan has failed every drivers test he has ever taken because he speeds and then brakes way too quickly. though, surprisingly, he can parallel park like a god

-connor stress bakes, but can only bake one thing and that's lemon squares. once zoe came home to four pans of lemon squares in the fridge. 

-evan had to teach jared how to ride a bike when he was 15

-jared unironically plays minecraft (and you can fight me on this) 

-evan doesn't blush when he's complimented he just kinda,,,,, has a strangled shriek 

-zoe smells like strawberry's 24/7. nobody knows why

-zoe has a ziploc bag filled with chap sticks. whenever someone complains about having chapped lips she whips it out and throws it at them

-alana is really good at making friends, like so good it's scary

-alana loves anything bunny related. bunny slippers, hoodies, calenders, notebooks, she's obsessed and it's actually adorable. 

-jared has tried several times to start a dungeons and dragons game with anybody. the only two people who have ever showed up were alana and evan

-evan and alana get along weirdly well in group projects???

-one time in seventh grade zoe hugged evan and he actually screamed. right. in. her. face. 

-connor has heelys and he wears them specifically when he goes to the mall

-connor and alana are space nerds and love the whole aesthetic of it

-the murphy's once held a barbeque and connor set his hair on fire while zoe nearly sliced off her hand with a knife

-at the same barbeque: jared and evan snuck into the bathrooms and stole all the soap and then went on to steal the bread. they have no reason for this

-alana has like, over 600 gel pens. she doesn't know why. they just appear (she may have stolen some from her teachers but shhhhhhhhh) 

-whenever jared says 'jk'dueing a conversation evan gets really confused because why is he just writing his initials 

-zoe and alana know basically the entire script for the Princess Bride and they're so proud 

-connor was an eagle scout and zoe was a girl scout for all of elementary school 

-jared loves twilight and he hates himself for it 

-connor purposely misspells organism to orgasm on his science papers (idea from dearevanhansenheadcannons on tumblr)

-everybody spells connors name and conner to annoy him

-alana is the best swimmer at school and everyone on the swim team is baffled as to why she won't join

-evan's first word was trash

-jared has eaten ramen uncooked while occasionally having the seasoning from the packet and evan just. watched. completely horrified. 

-connor has unirnocally watched the bee movie on multiple occasions

-connor and zoe love disney princess movies. they used to have marathons and they'd sing all the songs together and act out the scenes 

-zoe loves bees. 

-alana is super good at crochet and knitting and making blankets and scarves and stuff.  she held a sale once and made almost 600 bucks

-connor took ice skating lessons and loves to watch ice skating but is too ashamed to get back into it

-jared once said 'make America great again' and some kid punched him in the face


End file.
